Playlist to My Dreams

Music makes my world go around. Whether its Jazz, Hip Hop, R&B or just any type of genre, it keeps me sane, it helps me think and it even helps me relieve stress. I speak vicariously through music just like I speak through my writings. As 2009 comes to an end and 2010 is right around the corner, I have been thinking of the new life that I want to live. I want to live the life of a young woman who is working to succeed against all odds. Sounds a little bit cliche, but that's what I want. I'm going to work hard, set goals and continue to stay motivated by my situation with a good head on my shoulders and music to be my crutch. So far, this is my playlist for 2010 :

Super Woman by Alicia Keys
Move Along by All-American Rejects
Me, Myself & I by Beyonce
Listen by Beyonce
Graffiti by Chris Brown
Lucky Me by Chris Brown
I'm Just Me by Ciara
Is Anybody Listening by Danity Kane
Closer 2 My Dreams by Drake Feat. Adreena
Successful by Drake Feat. Trey Songz & Lil' Wayne
I Belong To Me by Jessica Simpson
The High Road by JoJo
Keep On Keepin' On by JoJo
Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson
Hero by Nas Feat. Keri Hilson
Miss Independent by Ne-Yo
A Girl Like Me by Rihanna
Me by Tamia
I'm Gone by Tynisha Keli

2010 is going to be my year. The year that I begin the path to living the life that I see in my dreams. Everyday is going to bring me closer to my goals so I am going to make each one of them count. Living life to the fullest begins with living your dreams and that is my first step to success and life happiness. I'm going to stay motivated and look to this playlist on days when I feel like quiting. Although I'm not a quiter, there are days when I want to but there is always something that stops me from going through with it. Sometimes its music, other times its looking at my situation. Well this year its going to be both and I'm not going to quit. Now I'm going to put on my headphones and listen to my music and let it take me away.

Princess of the Poor

Its so cold outside. All I have on is a sweatshirt and sweatpants. I usually use them as lounge clothes. My mom has on her good leather jacket because its the heaviest coat that she has. What used to be her Ugg boots are now ripped & torn at the bottom. Hair is a mess, as we bend down to scoop up what we can find. Won't allow myself to cry because of the fear that my tears will turn into icicles. My pride is gone out the window of the cold house that we live in. Today, I got the glimpse of what being poor is like. Collecting cans, milk cartons and glass bottles so that we can get money just to put gas in the car and food in our bellies this morning. But why has this all come as a shock to me ? I mean, it was bound to happen to us one day. I mean maybe its because for years my mother has disguised it by buying us name brand clothes and shopping at discount stores for food so we wouldn't go that hungry. The only difference then was that we had a man in our life but also settled because man after man was no good. All these years I've been living in fantasy because it just felt so good to pretend and fantasize about the life that I wanted to live. But now its time to live in reality and reality is, we don't have much. We have a small 3br house with 2bth, barely a morsel of food in our cabinets, 2 dogs we can't afford to feed and a car that's probably an LA trip away from breaking down. Now I remember why I wanted to be away so bad. I wanted to escape this reality. But I took my chance for granted and now I'm back here living the very reality that I was afraid of. Even though this is what my reality is, I refuse to let it be permanent.

Although I have decided that just for right now I'm going to live in reality, I am still a dreamer and a believer. And I believe that life is what you make it and I am the only one in control of my destiny. With that being said, despite my life struggles, I am going to live the life of the very things that I aspire to be. I want to be a writer so I am going to live the life of a writer. I want to be an event planner, so I'm going to live the life of an event planner. Whatever I want to be, I am going to live it. Not in my dreams, but in reality. I am going to take my dreams and make them into my own reality. I know that I was always meant to be successful because of my nature to never give up or take "No" for an answer. I'm going to reclaim my life as a Howard University student because how dare they tell me "NO". That's unacceptable so I'm going back and telling them "Yes". I am here and I'm going to stay here until I finish. I've never known myself to be anyone's fool or no kind of quiter.

One day I'm going to take care of my family so that we don't have to struggle anymore. No more collecting cans, no more food stamps, no more of any of that. I'm going to save my family from this reality and create a new one. A better one so we can live happily ever after. I'm going to write my own fairytale beginning and be the beautiful princess who sits on the throne that she was always meant to sit on. I have a whole kingdom waiting for me to one day conquer and I will.

Dierra Renee

Let me tell you a story of a girl so innocent
Looking for love in all the wrong places because she lacks it in her home
A past she can't let go, her father's a no show
Looking for him in every man
A hug, some affection, a kiss, some attention
Home is not where the heart is
Its where all the pain is
Her mother is there, but not really there
She's blinded by the strap on arm, pipe to her lips
What kind of life is this ?
She puts on her makeup
Buttons up her shirt
Closes the window, she doesn't have to sneak
Goes out the front door and hops into the car
Here goes another man that can be father potential

Baby girl is a rolling stone
Looking for a place to call her home
No guidance, no path
No smiles, no laughter
Searching for her father
On the road to destruction
Just wants someone to love her
And she doesn't know her last name
So her mother just calls her, Dierra Renee

She just wants to be beautiful
At least that's what she longs to hear
To be unwanted, that's what she truly fears
She looks in the mirror, she must conceal her scars
They're from emotions, a girl with a broken heart
A girl so wounded, a soul so cold
She straps up her stilettos to show off her painted toes
She puts on her black dress, its short and backless
Just how she likes it
She looks older than the kid that she is
Puts on her red lipstick, its all for show
She steps into the party
All eyes are on her
She spots her first victim, she goes in for the kill
She pats her eyelids, gives a swing of the hips
Its his love she will steal
He likes her style, her beautiful smile
He's spending his money, dropping bill after bill
This girl is a man eater and he's so naive
She spends all his money and the takes her leave

So beautiful, so pretty is what she is
She'll steal your heart and soul with just one kiss
But all she really wants is someone to love her
She goes around from man to man because she has no father
Deep down is a girl so broken
Craving some attention and a little affection
But instead she preys on the most innocent of men
Spending money, laying down and never to return again
They ask her what her name is and she says...
Just call me, Dierra Renee

She's so empty, she's so tortured from her search to find
To find the missing part to piece together her whole life
A young pretty girl with ugly ways
So misunderstood, in need to find her way
A young Jesabel who's life is just passing by
Searching for all the reasons why
She knows nothing of herself except her name

So just call her, Dierra Renee

Trigga Man Pt. 1

Check my pulse....it's non-existent
No blood flowing through my veins
I'm all alone
Laying here in this shallow grave
Eyes wide open staring into the sky
The cold air brushes my skin
This is the end of a fairytale beginning
My first love, why did you pull the trigger ?

I fell in love with a man who slipped on the trigger
Shot the gun, bang-bang, right through my heart that was tender
Now all that's left is a shadowy figure
Lurking here on the Earth, there's not resting in peace
Playing Russian Roulette but I wasn't the winner

He was the Trigga Man and he killed my heart
And now I'm slowly dying, grasping for air
Someone rescue me
Cuz I fell in love with a murderer

He didn't show none of the symptoms
But it was all crafty manipulation
Should have done some further investigation
But when it comes to matters of the heart
You're blinded by every kiss and bouquet of flowers
Every love song, every beautiful word
But when the shots were fired, tell me, how come no one heard ?

I fell in love with a man who slipped on the trigger
Shot the gun, bang-bang, right through my heart that was tender
Now all that's left is a shadowy figure
Lurking here on the Earth, there's no resting in peace
Playing Russian Roulette but I wasn't the winner

He was the Trigga Man and he killed my heart
And now I'm slowly dying, gasping for air
Someone rescue me
Cuz I fell in love with a murderer

Ask me to testify and I can't do it
I'm battered and broken
Send me to witness protection, I plead the 5th
Staring at the man who pulled the trigger
Trying intimidation but it ain't workin
Came back with a guilty verdict

Because he was the Trigga Man and he killed my heart
And now I'm slowly dying, gasping for air
Someone rescue me
Cuz I fell in love with a murderer

To be continued.....

Ask Me How I Am

Look into my eyes. Ask me how I am.
I'll simply reply.....
"I'm dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face because I just realized that love is a loosing game so love and I are breaking up."
She's never been a friend of mine.
Leading me on to believe that she is the truest of friends.
The most loyal. The most trustworthy. The most genuine.
But she's the worst friend as I stand here betrayed.

Look into my eyes. Ask me how I am.
I'll simply reply.....
"I feel like I'm trying to write a love story but running out of ink in the pen."
Nothing's left in my mind. My heart. My soul.
I drew a blank.
It started with a handsome Prince rescuing a Damsel in distress.
He whisked her away on his beautiful Black Stallion into the night.
Then there was nothing.
The pen went out just like my mind.
A story missing a middle part.
Just a fairy tale beginning with a realistic ending.
Suspense.

Look into my eyes. Ask me how I am.
I'll simply reply.....
"I miss the times that we almost shared. I miss the love that was almost there."
If we would have held on a little longer.
My walls were falling down. My defense was slowly weakened.
Love was almost attainable. Almost in my heart.
But it never came. It was a mirage.
Just as easy as love was in sight, it was easily gone.

Look into my eyes. Ask me how I am.
I'll simply reply.....
"I'll rise above it, pick myself up, and dust the pain off because I may be bruised but I am not broken."
Love tore up my heart and shattered my dreams.
But I'll get back on my feet.
It's not the end of me.
I've had my heart kicked on the ground but that's not enough to break me.
My heart is still open.

Look into my eyes. Ask me how I am.
I'll simply reply.....
"I'm fine. I've fallen in love with Me and she loves me more than you'll ever know."
And she is the baddest chick that I've ever met.
She's no model. She's no actress. She's no flashy dancer.
She's just me.
The perfect lover. The best of friend.
She's no one's assistant, she's her own boss.
CEO of her own heart.
And no she's not accepting applications.
I'm the only one fit for the job.
She listens and she understands.
The best in a threesome of Me, Myself and I.

So go ahead and ask me how I am and I'll simply reply......"I'm getting ready to paint the masterpiece that I call life with Me on my side."

Business & Pleasure

They say the outcome of mixing business with pleasure is never a great one...
Its the first day of the new job...
The temp takes her position at her new occupation
The bosses assistant is on leave.... he needed someone just as good to take her spot...
.... Temporarily of course
& she was.
Always on time. Did all of her duties even went above and beyond.
..... he hired an overachiever who takes her job seriously.
So understanding of the bosses every need.
Sensitive to all of his feelings on and off the clock.
She grew to love her boss and admire all of his work.
..... such an inspiration he was to her.
Took her seriously & let her make her own decisions.
He cherished her mind & her ideas unlike past employers who shut her down.

He rose her up to the top.

But all good things must come to end...
The assistant is back. Back to reclaim her spot.
Her spot as number one.
Gracefully dancing her way into the office as the Temp clears out her desk.
She's so perfect at her job. The boss just adores her & her work performance.
The Temp knew she was special when the bosses eyes lit up when she called to check in.
She's back to do her job.

Now the Temp is left to fade into the background of the unemployment line.
No one is hiring. Just accepting applications.
No call backs. No job offerings.
The temp is out of work.
Peddling her resume to company after company, but no one wants her.
She's either overly qualified or not skilled enough.
She was only good at one job, but it was only a temporary position.
There aren't any permanent positions coming her way.

They say the outcome of mixing business with pleasure is never a great one....

They're right.

Forever a Dreamer

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick up one of those pieces and begin again." This is something that I have just taught myself. Because I was in the mindset that I was done. I was done with school, done with life, done with dreaming of the person that I had always dreamed to be. One night I went into the Valley at Howard University and sat in front of Lady Fortitude. I never knew why she was so damn important and why people would sit in front of her for inspiration until I was in her presence. Sitting there I soon realized that she was more than just a symbol...she was real. She spoke to me...not through words or through actions but through meaning and through purpose. And for the first time in my life...I didn't have to wait for the tears to run down my face.....they just did but my sights were not tranquilled because through my tears there she stood beautiful and tall with her arm stretched out towards the bridge across and beyond. Sitting there realizing her purpose and her meaning made me figure out who I am.

I walked away from Lady Fortitude Stargazing into the sky, yet I saw no stars. I saw a glorious path towards a City of Dreams...my dreams. The dreams that Lady Fortitude holds up to the sky telling me that the sky is the limit and to never let me Defer none of my Dreams ever again. She held out her hand Enchanting my Soul with beautiful Lullabies so that I can Dream in Peace so I don't have to lay Restless wandering my nights searching for my life's meaning because she is there to help me figure it out. Lady Fortitude is Preluding me 2 a Dream of Glory and Chance; of Pain and Love, Ringing the Alarm in my heart and soul so that I can be waken up to a beautiful reality.

Lady Fortitude made me realize that in my heart and in my soul, I am a dreamer. I live to dream and I dream to live. People have asked me "who are you" in the past and there I stood dumbfounded because I couldn't answer the question. But now if I was asked that question again I would tell them that I am Robyn. A girl who times her days and wonders her nights because she dwells so much in her dreams and fantasies because she doesn't like to live in reality. A girl who is A Beauty in A Beast because on the outside she puts up such a HAZE and hides behind her tough exterior because she doesn't want people to know that beyond that hard exterior is a girl filled with a very soft heart and a poetic soul. A girl who is a Midsummer Nights Dream because she is so full of love, creativity, imagination and of course dreams. I am a Reverie. That is who I am. And as Lady Fortitude holds me up with her long arm extended to sky, me and my Atavistic soul, I will sit there in her palm shouting Vini Vidi Somnium because that's what I do Day and Knight. I am forever a DREAMER.

♥ Reverie